The Mycenaean

On November 16, the Leezville Road High School Officers’ Club held its first meeting during S.M.A.R.T. Lunch A in room 0240.  In this revolutionary club, every member is an officer.  The Officers’ Club provides indispensable leadership experiences to its 36 officers, who will certainly exaggerate their positions in the Officers’ Club on their college applications.

When applying for the Officers’ Club to be a new club at Leezville, Tonya Stark, who is the Officers’ Club founder, one of the club’s five presidents, and a senior at Leezville, described the Officers’ Club as “a service club dedicated to helping students beef up their college apps.”

“I’m a really service-oriented person, and I just want to lend my friends a helping hand when filling out their college applications,” said Stark.  “I first realized the need for this club when I was filling out my application to North Carolina College University.  I had wasted my time in high school and didn’t have a single leadership position to brag about and exaggerate on in the ‘Activities’ section of the Common App.  I talked to my friends, and they all had the same problem.”

Stark originally planned to begin a new service club at Leezville where students could have earned numerous service hours just to add to their college applications by completing simple, meaningless tasks.  However, she ultimately decided that an excessive amount of service clubs already existed at Leezville and settled for rewarding officers who recruit new officers for the Officers’ Club with service hours.

Along with having service hours, Leezville students consider having a leadership position in a club to be vital to their college applications.

“I really missed the boat on getting an officer position earlier on in high school,” said Clarice Kent, Leezville senior and one of the six secretaries of the Officers’ Club.  “My college apps are due January second, so I really needed a position A.S.A.P. in order to get into my dream school.  The Officers’ Club really helped me out.”

The underclassman officers of the Officers’ Club are also extremely grateful for the fantastic leadership opportunities that the club provides them, and they are very enthusiastic about its mission.

“I just love the Officers’ Club so freaking much,” said Bryce Wayne, Leezville sophomore and one of three sergeants-at-arms in the Officers’ Club.  “It’s just so fulfilling to be able to help fellow Loonies get into college and for me to earn service hours as well by recruiting them into the club.  I’ve gained a lot of upperclassmen as friends who will take me off campus for lunch this way.  It’s a win-win situation.  So rewarding.  It’s amazingly good for the soul.”

Although the Officers’ Club passed the club approval process, Katarina Selling, Leezville assistant principal, expressed distaste for the club’s mission.

“I don’t even know how this club passed the club committee,” said Selling while angrily slamming her fists on her desk.  “It’s not even a real club.  I mean, how many officers does it have?  30 or something?  It’s a stupid idea.”

Derek Brewer, Leezville’s A.P. Calculus A.B. teacher, also commented on the club’s worthlessness.

“All these fake officer positions.  Instant gratification; never taking responsibility for their actions.  They all just want to fluff their college applications and boost their G.P.A.s.  No one cares about anything worthwhile anymore, like soccer and Calculus,” Brewer said.  “Running isn’t even a sport.”

Many Leezville faculty members wonder why the members of the club approval committee allowed the club to form when so many of them dislike it.  Stark admitted that she and the other founders of the Officers’ Club bribed the members of the club approval committee to approve the club.

“Going into it, we knew that this club would be controversial,” Stark said.  “I don’t feel bad about bribing teachers because we just did what we had to do.  People are mad about it, and I just don’t understand.  Teachers are always telling us to come up with creative solutions, and, well, what’s more creative than bribery?  They’re all a bunch of hypocrites.”

The members of the club approval committee declined to comment.

Stark does not care that the faculty of Leezville does not agree with her club; she will continue to remain dedicated to the Officers’ Club mission and hope that the club will continue for many years after she has graduated from Leezville.

“No one understands how desperately we seniors want to get into college,” said Stark.  “It wasn’t my fault I didn’t take the initiative to earn an officer position in a credible club.  The haters are goin’ to hate.  They can just go away.”